What is love?
Was love the fairy tale on my screen, or the butterflies that I felt in my stomach? Or was it pain that I have felt for years?
After Fail attempts of love, I found out everything that love wasn’t and even though I knew it wasn’t the real deal, I still kept pursuing it. Why was I pursuing this type of love when I knew it was wrong? I had to do some soul searching.
Not having the best start at love, my father wasn’t the best person to showed me the meaning of love. Everything he showed me was so far fetched from what I saw on the tv screen, so I rejected his attempts of love. At the time I couldn’t accept his love because I wanted the fairytale type of love and he didn’t offer that.
I never heard the words ‘I love you’ from him. Even though my mum told me she loved me on a regular basis but I still yearn to hear the words from my father. I mean that was what I saw on the tv screen. I was still yearning for this man’s love even though, he proved to me day in day out that he wasn’t ever going to love me the way I wanted him to. H never wiped my tears away. He wasn’t there to give me any advice or just to hold me.
I wanted to change my skin colour for him to love me. I wanted to be just like him. Light and fair, maybe then he would tell me the words I love you. I mean, a father’s love is so precious and the love he wanted to give to me, was so far fetched from the reality that I already created in my mind.
Then there was my uncle who tells me every time he had a chance that he loved me but then would inflict pain on me. I started thinking maybe love was pain and started to gravitate to that. I even thought sex was love. If you didn’t inflict pain on me or if we didn’t have sex with me that you didn’t love me. Even though in the back of my mind I stilled long for the fairytales on the screen. I stayed in unhealthy relationship because I didn’t love myself and I cared what people thought about me. I was unhappy but I kept holding onto the first memory. It was better to stay in an unhealthy relationship than to have people talking about my body count or to prove to myself that I was a failure, I made my relationship worked. Even though I was battered and bruised, cheated on and lied to, I would forgive them every time I heard the words “I Love You”.
I remember people would come up to me and saying I want a partner like yours, I couldn’t explain to them that my relationship was not #relationshipgoals and my relationship was far from perfect. I only showed the good bits of my relationship on social media. I didn’t share the nights that I stayed up crying, the lies the cheating, or the scars.
I feel like there’s so much pressure in society to have a certain type of love. The ones on the tv screen, the ones on social media the ones that everyone talks about the one that makes you feel a certain type of way and if you don’t have any of those then it can’t be love, right?
We’ve got this massive burden of what we perceive love to be, so now it’s time to hunt for our prey to unload this burden on. Bare in mind that they’re coming with theirs too.
We’ve already set ourselves and the relationship for failure because we expect so much from them.
I realised after spending some time soul searching and learning to love myself that the meaning of love lies within me. This allowed me to stop burdening others with what I perceived to be love based on other people’s perspective of it. Love isn’t possession
This opened up my eyes and I realised that the type of love that I wanted to feel shouldn’t be compared to anyone else’s love, in my opinion, it shouldn’t be sex, it shouldn’t be pain, it should be unique, and it shouldn’t be everyone’s definition it should be my definition
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